


A Badfic By Any Other Name

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Series: Badfic series [1]
Category: LOTRRPS
Genre: April Showers Challenge 2011, Bad Fic, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-06-17
Updated: 2003-06-17
Packaged: 2017-10-18 14:40:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/189928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels





	A Badfic By Any Other Name

  
Sean paced before the phone, deliberating like a delivery train full of mail and the tracks were diverging into a yellow woods, and then picked up it, began to speak, then remembered to dial.

"Wazza?" The grumpy voice on the end of the line grumped. Sean blinked, decided that Viggo had not regressed to childhood and wasn't attempting to talk teen speak at him, and then banged his knee on the coffee table.

"Viggo, it's Sean. I-I have something to tell you."

"'Zat?"

"I'm pregnant."

Sean had expected Viggo to at least drop the phone or something. Instead Viggo replied quite calmly. "'sokay. Not my kid."

"Course it is."

"Isn't."

"Is."

"Isn't."

"Well, why wouldn't it be?!"

"Because I've never topped you."

"Oh....right."

Viggo sighed. "So you don't know who the father is?"

"No."

"Wonderful. I'm not adopting, Sean, we've been through this. The divorce was final and neither of us want to go through our history again. Better off buried."

"What, the baby?"

"Fucker. No, our marriage. Keep the kid. Speaking of which, how do you know you're..."

"Because I've just gained forty pounds and have an unnatural craving for chocolate. This is *exactly* how Melanie got. Except that I haven't gone on a shopping spree. Yet."

"And this couldn't just be the 'Sean Bean - sex symbol' turning into 'Sean Bean - overeater'?"

"I'd sooner be a megolomaniac!"

"You aren't?"

"Just because I abused you, didn't let you talk to your friends, tied you to the bed for days on end and generally acted like a jealous bastard who needs Prozac doesn't mean you have to bring this up in a discussion about our baby!"

"Your baby."

"My baby. Yeah." Sean's lower lip quivered. "You mean, you don't want it? Don't want me?"

"I've already had the 'I'm pregnant, we need to stay together' arguement done on me. It turned out she was using a pillow. I haven't seen you in months, and you're a fucking actor."

"But..the baby!"

"What about it?"

"It needs a dada."

"It'll have you."

"No, I'm its mommy."

Viggo groaned. "I did *not* need that mental picture, Sean." Viggo looked up at the author. "Can't you come up with better dialouge?"

No. Now start comforting Sean. He's crying.

"Your characterizations are really fucked up, you know. And your Quality Control Bunny is dying. On the floor, right there. Shouldn't you be, I don't know, getting that Lego out of its throat?"

Nope. Now go on. I'll let you have sex later.

"Sigh. Fine."

Goodie.

"Sean, love, it'll all be ok. Just remember, all you need to do is find the father and you can sue him for alimony."

"But I was married to *you* at the time."

"I did *not* need to know that, sweetums. It was bad enough not being allowed to cheat on _you_. Being tied to the bed isn't all bad. But remember when Ian walked in on us? I was getting sex tips for the next five months! Helm's Deep was bad enough with Gandalf explaining to Aragorn the finer parts of ripping open a condom with your teeth and then sticking it on a bouncing dick."

"I wasn't bouncing!"

"From my end, yeah, you were."

"Aren't we off-topic?"

"We had a topic?"

" _Yes_. You need to help me find out who made me preggers!"

"Stop exclaiming and let me get out of bed first." A long moan comes over the phone and various sounds of Viggo stretching. Sean licks his lips. "OK. So list how many people you've had sex with in, say, the past four months." Sean opened his mouth, when Viggo interupted him. "Bottomed to, I mean. No sense in making me wonder about what sort of sex fiend you are."

"Am one anyway," Sean said glumly. "Well, I've bottomed to...the entire Pacific contingent since none of them would do anything but top, except for Peter, who was pregnant himself at the time."

"Alright. So that's only five people."

"And...halfthefellowship," he muttered.

"WHAT????"

"Half the fellowship."

"Which half?"

"The, um, gay half?"

"They're all gay. Where've you been?"

"Fucking you. Nightly. Twice on Sundays and Wednesday, with a day off for good behavior."

"You never gave me a day off."

"Right."

"Which of the fellowship, love?" Viggo asked in his 'I'm humoring him, but if I find out he's really serious, I'm going to throttle the hell out of him' voice.

"The hobbits. Ian. Orli."

"That's more than half. That's everyone but Gimli."

"Gimli wouldn't stop talking about his skin problems. What was I supposed to do?"

"Finally get him to shut up and do us all a favor?"

It was Sean's turn to look up at the author. "You can stop being bitter now."

He takes away from your time in the commentary by talking forever about his fucking skin problems!

"But he did mention that Vig and I had dinner a lot."

Everyone has dinner. He merely pointed out that you had it _together_.

"Let's move on, shall we?"

Sigh. Very well.

"They're all in England now. So all we have to do is hop over there and figure out which one of them slipped me the sperm that gave me a fat belly."

"Sean, there are probably a lot more delicate ways of putting it."

"Y'think?"

The sigh was audible across the ocean, which, coincidentally, they weren't.

"I'll be over in an hour," Viggo said, and slammed the phone down.

  
The flight to London went very quick. Pegasus took the plane under his wings and flew it quickly. However, he dropped it a few miles out of London, which resulted in Sean swooning in Viggo's arms. Neither of them were complaining. In fact, both of them were scheming how to get back together. Though they had to do something about the baby. Maybe they could plot hole it away. Hey, stranger things have happened.

"I can just see this now," Sean grumped as they left the airport. "Sex symbol caught in bigamous relationship. News at eleven."

"You married him?!"

"Naw. 'Sex symbol, after four divorces (one of them gay, tsk tsk), returns home to find father of baby'. What is this, Jerry Springer?"

"You have that in England?"

"Hon, I live in Malibu."

"Right. Got it." Viggo surveyed the waiting paparazzi. "We are *so* fucked," he muttered and then made a beeline for the bathroom, where he jerked off while Sean made his excuses and pretended to care about his image.

"Who first?" he asked once they had cleared the rabid bunch of reporters hell-bent on ruining their epic love.

"Orli. It's his baby."

"Wasn't it my baby?"

"Oh, for Pete's...it's *my* baby, alright?"

"Goodie."

Sean glared. "You picked that up from the author, didn't you?"

"So what?"

Sean sighed. "Never mind. Just don't start on the inherant slashiness of James Bond. That bastard is straighter than a pendulum."

"Honey..."

"Don't start. I might just get morning sickness."

"Eek."

"Eek is right. Let's get down to Orli's den of debauchery. Take a left at this corner and go through the time/space portal he had specially installed for plots like this."

"Right."

They arrived at Orli's house around suppertime, which is interesting since they landed in the early morning ("Shut up." "No, you shut up." "I was here first." "But I'll be here last!" "Bloody hell.") and Orli ushered them in for a stupendous and lavish banquet of epic proportions.

"So, why are you here?" he asked over brandy in the smoke room.

"Sean's pregant."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I'm the father?"

"That's what he says."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Just then JealousLover!Karl (tm) came flying through the French doors (not bothering to open them first, but a plot hole took care of that) and started sobbing in Orli's arms.

"I thought you loved me!!" Then he turned in fury to Sean. "What do you mean, Orlikins got you pregnant?"

Orli held up a hand, that was pointedly ignored. "Karl..."

"Quiet, honey. This is between Sean and me."

Orli fled into Viggo's arms as Karl began pummeling Sean into a pulp. But a very cute pulp, with a nice smile and pretty eyes and the yummiest earring alive and...

Right. The fight. Well, it was going bad. Sean hadn't fought dirty in years and, as Viggo was a bit of a push over ("HEY!"), never had a need to.

Then, the Bad Thing happened, one that Sean would need therapy for for several years.

He had a miscarriage.

Yes, on the carpet, while Karl was punching him, kicking him, and just generally attempting to injure.

Right there.

Exactly.

Well, in the end, Sean found himself being comforted on the couch by Orli and Viggo took Karl to bed and the squeeks echoed through the huge house.

Then Viggo stole Orli's Jaguar (it's ok, he had eight) and rode off into the sequel, looking for another place to put his dick.  
   
 


End file.
